A Mighty Change of Heart

This morning, I must capture the feelings of my heart. For the past week, I have experienced a change unlike any other of my life, and I have been trying to figure out how to put it in words that someone else could possibly understand. I feel much like Nephi when he says "Thou hast not made me mighty in writing". But I hope, like he did, that the Spirit will carry the true significance of what I write to the hearts of all who may read this in the future.


Anyone who has ever read any of my journals knows that I have struggled with self-hatred and weight issues my entire life. I have been actively searching for the answers to these problems for at least 25 years, with more failures than Edison had searching for a way to make the light bulb. But, like Edison, each failure has led to greater knowledge: knowledge of what doesn't work, knowledge of what brings me a step closer, knowledge of who I am.

It took me many years to realize that my weight was not a physical problem, but one of faith. It took me many more years to realize how to apply faith to the problems of my life. It took me a lifetime to understand that perhaps the beliefs I'd been carrying around about myself might not be accurate. And once I did realize they weren't accurate, it has taken me years to truly believe something different.

Believing something different hasn't happened overnight or all at once. Rather than being like a light that was switched on, it has been far more like a light on a dimmer switch. Starting with no light and gradually, almost imperceptibly, the light has come, little by little. The miracle that has taken place for me over the past week is to realize that the light is on. And it is bright. I'm sure not as bright as the Lord knows it can and will become. But it is light enough to live in the light. To live a life of peace with myself. I finally believe that I am worthy of love and I finally feel true love for myself. And I feel very changed by it.

A few weeks ago, the Lord and I had been working on me and working on changing my beliefs, my understanding of my worth, my value...on loving myself. During these few weeks, it has been strongly impressed on my mind that the goals I should set for myself this year are to be centered on really loving myself. Caring for my body out of love. Giving it what it wants and needs. Being kind to myself. And freeing up my heart and mind to love others as well. Dieting makes one self-centered as you must be rigorously focused on calories in and calories out. Obsession has never turned out to be a healthy or helpful thing for me.

On the morning after Christmas I had a wonderful prayer with my Father in Heaven as I was walking around the block for exercise. I confirmed with Him that this focus of love for myself and appreciation for my body would be the new focus of my life. But Satan, being the jerk that he is, tried very hard to thwart that light. And within 30 minutes of returning home I felt the crushing weight of the world try to tell me that I would never be loved for who I am...would never be good enough. 

In the past, I would have thrown out the feelings I had been given by the Spirit. I would have used that opposition to validate the old belief that I am not lovable. I would have turned to resentment and bitterness and resigned myself to a life of believing I am worthless. But the changes that have occurred little by little within myself, as the dimmer switch got brighter and brighter, have made the light within my heart and mind bright enough that I no longer believe that I am unlovable or worthless. And this time, when I felt that someone else might be trying to tell me I was, I stood up for myself. I knew my worth had nothing to do with my weight or physical appearance. I knew what it would take for me to be happy and to care for my body. I knew that the plan my Heavenly Father and I had worked out was the very best one, and I wasn't willing to sacrifice that plan for the approval of anyone else. And during the days following this opposition, I continued to do as my Father in Heaven and I had planned, no matter how painful or difficult it was.....AND IT WAS.

It took a while for me to process all of my thoughts and feelings to a point where I could share them  accurately and calmly. Now, after I voiced my feelings, my hurt, and my belief in myself and the plans I would follow for myself, regardless of the approval of anyone else, others were able to validate that they also believe all of those same things about me. There are others who believe in my worth regardless of size or appearance. Others who believe that following the Lord's plan for me is right. Loved ones who believe that I am totally worthy of unconditional love. I am loved. But the miracle I want to stress in this journal is that the miracle happened for me, the minute I was done expressing my own beliefs, my own convictions, and my own worth, before anyone else had a chance to validate those beliefs and feelings.

In my journal last week, I wrote that I felt like a sweater bag that had had all of the air sucked out of it...lifeless and suffocating. But the minute I was done validating my own worth, I felt the cap disappear and the air begin to rush in, filling my soul again. And I knew my worth, and my knowledge was not based on what anyone else believes.  And since that time, I have felt a miraculous change in the way I view myself. I have felt a great love for myself and my body. I have felt badly for what I have put each cell of it through all of these years and I see that my body did not deserve any of that abuse and I have a strong desire to care for each of those cells, with the food I place in my body, the movement I give my body, the things I say to my own body, the way I exist in my own body. For the first time in my life, I do not feel any anger or resentment about my body. I am not ashamed of it. I am not angry at myself for what I have done to it. I only want to treat it right each moment from now on.

When we lived in Las Vegas, we bought a little puppy, who used to cower from us each time we raised our voice, as if he expected us to beat it. We felt so badly for that puppy that had somewhere learned to expect anger and punishment. We made sure to treat it with gentleness and love. When it needed correction, we were gentle in our corrections. We were generous in our displays of love. That is what I now feel for my body. It has come to expect abuse of all kinds, verbal, deprivation and physical pain caused from overeating and excess weight. No more. I will not do that to my body, to myself any longer. I will treat it with love and gentleness, correcting gently when needed. I will speak to it softly. I will appreciate all of its gifts it has given me and those it continues to give me and thank my Heavenly Father for it daily. And truly, for the first time in my life, I am actually grateful for it, just the way it is. Now...THAT is a miracle that can rival any of the Bible!